if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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