Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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