This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
