You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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