I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
if i can run in heels then i can drive
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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