Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
