she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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