I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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