hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
