I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
