I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
