Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
