Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
