You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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