I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
