There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
