Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
