Redeem this text for a blowjob
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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