i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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