My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
