I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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