Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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