I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
