If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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