Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
