I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize