Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
