I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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