i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
