I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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