On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
