Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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