i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
