This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
