one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
jump out the window naked night went bad
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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