I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
