My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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