I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
