It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
