If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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