Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
