U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
