My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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