Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
