The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
