I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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