i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
