I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
