I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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