When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My vagina is very pro this idea
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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