dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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