Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
