Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you win again, gameday.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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