I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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