i wish my penis had a tongue
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
