New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
