Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
