i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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