Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
