I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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