If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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