he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
