Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
